San Jose Divorce Lawyers Blog

Gender Differences in Coping with Divorce

There are significant differences in how men and women approach the various aspects of their lives, including how they handle moving on after a San Jose divorce.

Despite the growing prevalence of two income households, most married women still assume the greater role when it comes to managing social networks and support systems. This can create extra stress that leads to unhappiness when a woman feels she is “too busy” for leisure activities, but having this source of emotional support to lean on is very valuable after a divorce.

Men, in comparison, tend to be much better than women when it comes to taking time for hobbies and special interests. They don’t feel guilty when they spend a day watching football instead of doing household chores. But, men are much more reluctant to put in the necessary effort required to develop strong sources of emotional support. This means that after a divorce they are often left without a “sounding board” for their feelings. They may become isolated and withdrawn, making it harder to move on with their lives.

What do the findings of psychologists and divorce therapists mean for you after filing for divorce in San Jose? It depends on your gender.

If you’re a woman, take a cue from the “typical man” and spend time developing the hobbies and special interests you felt you didn’t have enough time to pursue when you were married. You’ll feel better about this new stage of life and possibly meet some single friends who can expand your social circle.

If you’re a man, take a cue from the “typical woman” and devote yourself to manufacturing stronger relationships with your friends and family members. Instead of keeping your feelings to yourself, make a conscious effort to find someone to confide in.

Gender differences in coping strategies refer to natural tendencies, not a biological destiny. If you learn to look at your coping mechanisms objectively, you’ll find it much easier to move on with your post-divorce life.

Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents

Back to school season is hectic for a lot of parents, but it can be especially stressful for those who are dealing with joint custody arrangements after a San Jose divorce.

For a lot of parents, the easiest solution is to simply buy basic school supplies in duplicate so mom and dad don’t have to waste time dropping off notebooks, calculators, and other essential items when kids are traveling from one residence to the next and forget essential items. If this is not possible, consider working with your ex to determine who is going to pay for what.

Sometimes the tension between the parents makes working with your ex an unreasonable option, and you might need to have your child(ren) carry a notebook that includes written notes from one parent to the other, for things like doctor’s appointments, prescribed medications, etc. The Courts typically do not want to litigate which parent owns or gets the child’s pants and shoes, although the parents often want to argue about those exact issues. Try to avoid litigating those things, if at all possible. If you do litigate those matters, be assured that your case will be the case that the Judge discusses with his/her clerk, and that the Judge will form a negative opinion that will probably not help your case.

Many parents like to use school functions as a drop-off point for the children, but this can be stressful for your child if you don’t have a good relationship with your ex. A public shouting match where you exchange insults with your ex could be very embarrassing to your child(ren). If you think there is a possibility you and your ex might embarrass your child in front of his/her classmates, arrange for a drop-off at another location.

Research has shown that kids do best when they have a consistent structure and routine. Having a strong coparenting relationship and working with your ex to develop age-appropriate and consistent bedtimes and study sessions will be directly beneficial to your child(ren) and make gathering the tools your child (ren) needs to succeed much easier. Like the opposite of litigating who gets to keep the child(ren)’s shoes, if the Judge hears you two are working together on these details, the level of respect you hear from the Judge will be noticeably increased. If the Court sees that your focus is on your child(ren), you will get more respect in Court.

The saying “It takes a village to raise a child” is especially true when a child has divorced parents. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, especially if you have extended family nearby. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles are often willing to help with transportation and schedule coordination to make a child’s life easier after divorce. If you are locked in a battle with you ex, these relatives availability should be made known to the Court. Most Judges either are grandparents or they are thinking about becoming grandparents, and the added stability that can be had from getting help from extended family is regularly a good and effective argument that the Judges listen to closely when thinking about your child(ren)’s best interests.

Every school has its own policy for dealing with divorced parents, although most schools will assume that both parents have equal custody rights unless they are told otherwise. It’s a good idea to plan a meeting with your child’s teacher before school starts to address any concerns you have in regards to the child’s non-custodial parent. If necessary, your child’s teacher can explain what divorce records you should get from your San Jose divorce lawyer to keep on file with the main school office.

Divorce Tips for Men

Many men seeking a San Jose divorce feel like the courts are biased against men. They worry about losing the family home and getting stuck with a huge alimony payment while their ex ends up with a bigger chunk of the marital assets. However, there are some steps men can take to make sure they get a fair shake in the settlement process.

First, you do not need to move out of the marital home immediately. Living together while getting a divorce can be stressful, but it’s much more cost effective than supporting two households. You have a legal right to live in the marital home until a judge says otherwise. It’s also important to remain in the home if you think this is an asset you want in the divorce settlement.

Second, keep your temper in check. Do not yell at your wife or behave in a manner that could be perceived as physically threatening. Even if you would never be abusive towards your wife, you do not not want to provide her with any ammunition for a restraining order that could get you kicked out of your home. If you need to blow off some steam, plan a night out with your friends or head to the gym for an intense workout.

Finally, remember that it’s important to be discrete about your new single life. You have a right to date if you wish, but it’s not smart to flaunt your relationship. Do not post pictures of you partying with your new girlfriend on your Facebook page or give her lavish gifts that the court could see as a misappropriation of martial assets. If you have children, do not introduce them to a new partner until your divorce is final. A living situation that is seen as “unstable” could possibly have a negative impact in terms of child custody.

If you’ve never had the need for a lawyer until now, you may be worried about the cost of hiring a Bay Area divorce lawyer. Your concern is understandable, but it’s smart to get the best possible legal representation that you can afford. A lawyer who can advocate on your behalf can potentially save you thousands of dollars by negotiating a more favorable settlement.

Marijuana’s Role in Child Custody Disputes

Marijuana use among parents with young children has attracted a great deal of media attention recently due to stories about mothers who argue that smoking pot is no different than having a glass of wine with dinner. However, many parents are unaware that marijuana use will probably have a drastic and detrimental effect on child custody and visitation requests when seeking a San Jose divorce.

Illegal behavior of any sort can influence child custody decisions, especially if other factors are involved that indicate a parent may not be a responsible caretaker for the child. Marijuana use in California should be thought of as a kind of wobbler, California often authorizes it when there is a license, but the Federal Government still punishes its use or possession. A parent who has a medical marijuana license may not be breaking any California law, but the Court can easily see that the nature of marijuana, that it can cause short term memory loss and slow down reflexes, will often mean that the marijuana smoking parent is simply not as attentive as a parent who refrains.

Current Public opinion implies that in the future marijuana use might be legalized nationally. Nevertheless, many people in California believe that the majority of marijuana smokers do not need the marijuana, and that most of the smokers lied to get their marijuana license. Staring out with a presumption that you are a fraud will tend to undercut everything you have to say. If you smoke marijuana and want custody of your child you must be honest about that unstated (but very real and present) presumption of fraud and deal with it up front. Trying to ignore that the Court starts out thinking you are a liar will just lead you to lose.

In this attorney’s experience, the clients with marijuana use regularly also have an issue with ignoring or avoiding things they did not want to deal with. The problem with that denial approach is that the exact thing you refuse to face up to is regularly the very first thing the Court will want to talk about. Ignoring the thing the Court is most interested in hearing about generally does not lead to good results. For instance, the Court might think the following: since there is nothing about marijuana use that benefits your child(ren), many things about marijuana use that may harm your child(ren), and your use of marijuana is a case of you putting what you want to do ahead of the best interests of your child(ren), why should you have any custody? The answer to that question should be ready for the Court to hear if you want to prevail.

The standard used in child custody and visitation matters is the best interests of the child, not fairness to either parent. Focusing on what you want will not be a winning strategy in Family Court. The marijuana smoker, in this attorney’s opinion, faces a double hurdle, first show you are not a fraud and actually need the marijuana, and then show that you are an attentive and loving parent who your child(ren) need to spend time with. To win, you must bring the focus back to your child(ren).

Whether or not the marijuana use occurs when the children are present is an important factor in child custody decisions. Smoking marijuana when children are present is problematic and will probably hurt your case. Marijuana can impair judgment, making a parent possibly less likely to provide prompt and responsible care in the event the child is hurt or injured, and secondhand smoke can also cause a contact high and/or simply damage the child’s lungs like tobacco cigarettes.

Individual judges can play a significant role in the impact that marijuana use will have on child custody. Some judges are personally much more liberal than others. Some view marijuana use as similar to drinking alcohol (which generally leads to losing a custody battle, so this comparison hurts a marijuana smoker), while others believe penalties for marijuana use should be much more severe.

If you are concerned about the impact your marijuana use may have on child custody arrangements, it is important to discuss this issue with an experienced San Jose divorce lawyer as soon as possible. Do not try to hide the information from your attorney, as it is likely to be brought up if your ex is seeking custody. Your lawyer’s job is to advocate on your behalf and advise you on how to present your case so winning is possible, not to make judgments regarding your life choices. To represent your interests, your attorney needs to be aware of all relevant facts.

Procedures for Establishing Paternity in California

The procedure for establishing paternity in California follows the same guidelines as much of the rest of the United States. California applies the Uniform Parentage Act (FC 7600 et. seq.)

When parents are married at the time of a child’s birth, the mother’s husband is generally presumed assumed to be the father of the child (SEE FC 7540, 7541, & 7611). If a married man suspects that he is not the father of the child, he will need to insist on a DNA test to establish the child’s true paternity, generally before the child reaches the age of two years.

When the parents are not married, there is no automatic presumption of paternity. Legal fatherhood can potentially be established if the man voluntarily signs a Declaration of Paternity at the hospital when the child is born. This form can also be signed after the parents leave the hospital, if needed. Signing the Declaration of Paternity form could give the child with a father who has not married their mother the legal right to pursue guideline child support and will generally have the same force and effect as a Judgment of Paternity (SEE In re Levi H. (2011) 197 Cal.App.4th 1279); however, the form may not always have the same effect as a Judgment of Paternity (SEE In Re Eric E (2006) 137 Cal.App.4th 252). This area of the law has been, and will probably continue to be, a very highly contested area in California. As a legal father he can acquire the right to access the child’s medical records and the right to have visitation with the child.

Paternity must generally be legally established before a man can be ordered to pay child support. It is possible in California for an actual biological father to be denied presumed father status, and thereby be denied all parental rights (SEE In re Joshua R. (2002) 104 Cal.App.4th 1020). If he is not a presumed father he will be denied legal standing to challenge the orders that the court makes. Because the laws regarding paternity in California continue to be in flux and sometimes seem exactly contrary to all reason, logic, or common sense, you would be well advised to consult with an experienced family law attorney before proceeding with any paternity matter.

If the father of the child refuses to sign a voluntary Declaration of Paternity, a genetic test can be ordered. Genetic tests can be scheduled through your local child support agency, although many labs will only perform tests on babies who are six months of age or older. The tests can be ordered even if the child’s father currently lives in another state.

If you need to establish paternity for your child, it is important to take care of this as soon as possible. The sooner paternity is established, the sooner you will be able to receive the financial support you need for your child. A San Jose family lawyer can provide assistance if you are having trouble getting the father of your child to accept paternity.

Changing Your Child’s Last Name After Your Divorce

After a San Jose divorce, many women opt to return to their maiden name as a way to signify that they’re officially free of married life. If you have a child, however, you might find yourself wondering if it’s possible to change his or her name as well.

Changing a woman’s last name back to her maiden name after a divorce has been finalized is not difficult, in fact there is a line on the Judgment document itself reserved for this purpose, but changing a minor child’s last name in California gerenarlly requires the filing of an Order to Show Cause, a Petition, and potentially other documents, followed by the Court granting the Petition and making an Order. You aren’t going to be allowed to change your child’s last name just to make your ex angry.

Two of the most common reasons a child’s last name would be changed are to protect the child from being contacted by an abusive parent or to recognize that a legal adoption has taken place — such as having your second spouse decide to adopt your child from your first marriage.

In California, under some circumstances teens may request a name change if they feel they do not have a strong bond with a parent, but they will require consent of the judge to make it final. The judge will want to hear the child’s thoughts in order to make sure the child is not being unduly pressured into requesting the change. Whether the consent of the natural father or mother of the child will be required is a question to be decided by the Court.

Changing a child’s last name does not absolve a father of paternity obligations, unless the name change is accompanied by a legal adoption. It would be possible for your teen to request a last name change due to a poor relationship with his father without affecting the amount of child support your ex would legally be obligated to pay. If your second husband adopted your teen, however, your ex would no longer owe child support.

Few, if any, family law attorneys in California focus primarily on name changes, because it is mostly forms driven and other than in exceptional cases it is often pretty clear whether the Court is likely to grant or deny a name change request. The best interests of the child is what the Court will consider. If you want to have your child’s last name changed after your divorce, talking with an experienced family lawyer in California can be helpful, and you could get help with making sure all of the appropriate paperwork is filed and consult regarding how to present your child’s best interests to the Court.

The Law Offices of Thomas Chase Stutzman a Professional Corporation